As one normally does on a Thursday Hank is deep into working very had in the 9-5 cubes. Definitely not ignoring the standing Thursday Touch Point meeting where overzealous employees inject an absurd amount of buzzwords into a sentence to the point where it sounds like Lou Holtz and the teacher from the Peanuts arguing the theory of process implementation.
It is at this point where young Hank comes a cross a tweet that may change the College Football world as we know it. A tweet from our friends at @BracketPod “Who has the best name in college football”, a topic about names and football? This is Helmet Hanks expertise. So I reviewed the list Rowdy Beers, General Booty, Parker Titsworth etc. all the classic names that frat bros in backwards bass pro shop hats and a stained Charlie Whitehurst (Did you know he dated Jewel? adds nothing to the story just a random fact, that people will go “huh” to) Titans jersey have grown to love through the course of their PS5 College Football 25 season. But one name and image stands out, Memorable Factor, a goofy looking white boy with a weird name is not something that Hank tends to overlook, this needs investigating. Could he help bolster coach Will Compton’s roster in the White v Black football team debate? Is buddy even on the team? A Coaching Intern? Team Manager ? Water Boy? What’s this guys deal?
So here we go research time…the helmet is strapped up several mouth guards hanging from my facemask and were lining up in the I-formation like Iowa looking to go 3 and out and punt on 4th and 1 from the opponents 45.
Lets check out the basics, Memorable shows up as a Linebacker for the Duke Blue Devils hailing from London, England (suggested that you change the voice inside your head to a British accent until further notice).
First off this lads headshot in a Duke polo on the Duke website definitely screams lacrosse, Duke has a very popular and successful lacrosse program, so maybe the intern who updates Dukes athletics page made a mistake and put a lacrosse player on football team? Maybe he’s a cross over lacrosse to football story? That has to be it so end of story right? Chris Hogan 2.0 closed case. Stay tuned for the next exciting blogging adventure from Helmet Hank.
Hold on Hank… this jolly old chap is from London (remember reading this in British accent that sentence probably made you feel like you’re a member of the Peaky Fookin Blinders) is a Linebacker not Wide Receiver, back to the drawing board, what else do we got on this cheeky lad.
He has no stats, no media info and a small bio . Lets take a peak at that bio…
Not really sure how Returning Linebacker differs from not seeing game action, considering he has no stats, so we push on and congratulations to him on returning linebacker ?
From the bio “was a member of the rowing and rugby team … garnered national medals in rugby and was tabbed a two-time gold and silver nationalist in rowing … also attended Westminster School for four years.“. Now this is where our good pals from the Pat McAfee show confirms these details in a quick recap of Memorable.
Alright so he met Pat McAfee (that’s gotta be pretty cool), its confirmed he is a real person and football player who has a few good accomplishments in the athletic field. Ok we are building the picture this dudes got some raw talent but I’m just gonna ignore the rowing thing because it reminds me of Winklevoss twins in the Social Network Movie and I think that actor got cancelled for wanting to be a cannibal and now sells insurance in the Bahamas? idk that’s outside Hanks realm of interest but that just leads me to think all rowing people are weirdos.
Now national medals in Rugby is super impressive to me, I don’t fully understand the rules of rugby and its more enjoyable not knowing them, Because you just listen to two old British dudes lose their minds on the broadcast while a dude from Fiji trucks a guy wearing a leather helmet from the 1930s and takes it 50 yards to the house every 2 minutes…yeah that shit rocks. Side thought whoever runs Rugby in America needs to move their season to start the week after the Super Bowl because its enough like footabll that people would be interested but also not football so we wouldnt be like oh this is just shitty AFL/XFL/UFL games. Back to Memorable…maybe this guy is a late bloomer and becomes an All Pro like former rugby player Jordan Mailata ? Yeah except he’s not 6’8″ 360lb monster from Australia, he’s a 5’11” 220lb bloke from Westminster (BTW buddy 5’11” is not a real height that’s just what you say to chicks because you dont quite make the 6ft mark when you walk by the measuring stick on the door of an old McDonalds).
The big thing I don’t want to overlook is the name and jersey number test. Memorable is #38 for the Duke Blue Devils, that is just going to get a fine rating from Hank. 38 is a cool number for a Linebacker to wear in college but you gotta be a stud an old school smash mouth brute of a linebacker. For a 5’9″ 220lbs white guy this screams back up safety or 5th year kicker who played soccer for a small sunbelt school and just transferred to a P5 team and is gonna go 13/23 on FGs with a max range of 43 yards.
So lets take a min and look back at what we discovered from Memorable, this dude is a Duke Linebacker from London, who probably lies about his height and his best accomplishment in football is that he returned as a Linebacker in 2024. And if we are in the circle of truth I don’t think his name is that cool its more weird. There has to be something about this guy how does one stay on the Duke football team for 3 years? I can assure you that if this kid was being used for his GPA to boost the programs average he’d be riding the bench for the Duke basketball team. So after a deep dive into this guys family … Mallory Factor (surprisingly this is not a chick and is his dad, yeah this might be the only dude in history named Mallory) is a big time pharmaceutical chairman so I’m now comfortable closing this case to a simple conclusion that Memorable has a rich and powerful dad who probably drops off a few bags at the Duke athletic department.
P.S. Memorable’s dad Mallory might be one of the most interesting dudes that no one has ever heard of, like he has his own Wikipedia Page, which has definitely lead me to believe he might legit be a James Bond Villain. Chairman of a Pharmaceutical company, serves as a Senior Advisor in the UK House of Lords (who knows what that really is), and is a member of the Worshipful Company of Tobacco Pipe Makers and Tobacco Blenders, I mean that right their sounds suspicious enough to make me believe this guys up to something.
Helmet Hank Sports 